moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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