Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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She tied me up with her honor cords...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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