Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
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I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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