This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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