He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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