all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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