If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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