Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Two words: nipple clamps
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