we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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