I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize