how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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