i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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