I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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