Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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