My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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