i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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