So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
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Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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