Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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