so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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