she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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