If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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