I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize