Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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