I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
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Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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