I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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