one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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