and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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