Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
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She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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