I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize