Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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