I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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