So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
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Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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