Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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