I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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