Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize