there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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