I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize