By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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