I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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