Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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