Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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