Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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