The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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