if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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