were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
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In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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