Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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