i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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