i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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