Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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