he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
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I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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